hmmmph.

Recently i think i'm losing myself.

Losing myself on who i am.
I know i changed alot this year, it may or may not be obvious, some people might be able to see it and some might not. But i'm sure because i'm.... me!

I have several group of friends, and i naturally, act differently (actually somewhat VERY different) while i'm with each one. I may be abit more cocky in one, abit more playful in one, abit more quiet in another. I'm not ... being fake or hypocritical (maybe not the best word to use in this situation) but it's just purely how i interact with these different people. The people in a specific group might have this common interest which we can all share on. We can joke about it etc. and this largely affects how we interact with each other. Which therefore affects how i act in that particular group. Though i think it's fine to have a 'mask' for different people. Even in everyday life you have a different mask to face your family, your friends, your tutor, your work mates, they can't all be the same.

And i just started thinking; How do i act when i'm with a complete stranger? What am i like? Who am i?

Just be yourself.

Is there a side of me just for strangers or is that just... myself? Or is it when all those different personas of me add up together, that makes me up? How can you ever truly be yourself?

So sometimes i think i should change, don't be so... restricted, act differently in different groups. Be more outgoing in the quiet group and abit more serious in the playful group.

And now i think i just fucked myself up.

Sunday

I probably have the worst week ever, but the best Sunday this whole year.
Black Friday? Pffft.

So i think.

Life is just like that. Something bad happens but... you just can't expect what might come after.

睇開啲? 隨緣? 平常心? 也許吧.

Why spend so much time thinking on things that doesn't matter anymore, but instead thinking of what i can do tomorrow?
Wasting so much time. My time. My youth.

"In the end, it doesn't really matter."

Friends.
You don't need +1000 'friends'. You only need a few true ones.

Like you, someone who i haven't seen/spoken to in ages, will just tell me to rage at you while you listen.
Or you, who i haven't known for a very long time will offer me a chance to talk through our ... similar problems in life, knowing that i seriously need someone to talk to.
Libras.

And/or/maybe my bros who'll just get wasted at night + starting off the day with some fucking mega awesome french toast.

Whats there to worry about then? =]





But truth be told, this is probs just an illusion... until something shit happens again anyways.

Change

Its time for a change.

I can't stand life like this anymore.
Every time of the day i think of her, when i'm awake, when i sleep, when i dream.

Going after something impossible. Time wasting. Tiring.


Change.
Not just because of relationships, but of life. I'm bored of it.
Life should be inspirational, should have a meaning, should be ...fun?
I'm experiencing none of these. Is it because of my surroundings? my friends?

...me?

Frankly, i'm tired of life, seriously. You get a good degree, you find a job, you earn money, you grow up just to worry about earning money, you retire and you die.
I see no reason why i shouldn't be pessimistic about life. Sometimes i have no idea how some people can be smiling all the time. Is it that they experienced something bad before knowing the importance of positive thinking or are they just purely optimistic? Humans and the masks they wear to face life... unpredictable.

I do vaguely remember there was a time where i was living life purely for the sake of living, where i was happy without a care in the world. Should i just fuck everything else and just smile at the sun every morning? As fake as that maybe.

Change. I need one. Quickly.